Being Intentional..

This post has been tugging at my heart a lot lately.

Intention. Being intentional.  It's a word that I throw around quite often- purposefully. deliberately. intentionally. What does that mean? What does that look like?

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately.  As I move on, as my friends move on, often it's difficult to stay in touch.  Lives are changing all around me, and as much as we wish we could keep in contact, it becomes difficult to do so.  It's not because we don't want to. It's just because we don't have the time. Or so I say. Or so they say. Time gets away. You lose touch. That's life.

But what if you're being intentional? What if you're the only that's trying to keep a friendship alive. After years, or after even after just months.  How long do you wait and hold out until you simply stop trying? How long do you hold out for a friendship (or relationship) that doesn't mean enough to the other person to fight to have you in their life? What do you do with those feelings when you come to the realization? It's hard..when you come to the realization that maybe it doesn't matter that you're not in someone else's life? Someone you cared so much about..that it just doesn't matter. How long do you wait? How often do you call or text? At one point do you stop caring the way they stopped caring?

OR .. what if it's just life? What if this is just one friendship/relationship that wasn't meant to stick around? I think that God sticks people in at certain points in your life (kinda like the Hunger Games).  There are triggers that put people right here and now for you to meet and learn something from.  Once that lesson is learned, there's a new a lesson, a new person to meet.  How do you determine the people that are only in your life a short time vs. the people who will stick with you forever?

In Admissions, Tiffany and I talk a lot about different prospective students.  "We've never heard from this person. It's been six months..When do we stop bugging them?" It's a constant question that we struggle with.  How often do we put forth the effort for a phone call or a personal e-mail..only to not hear anything back? How often are we to be intentional with these students? They stopped caring ages ago (if they ever cared at all). When should we?


Friends, I am not only the victim, but am so often the victor (is that the right word?). There are people that I care for deeply that I need to be more intentional with.  Particularly with friends who live far away. I left a lot of loved ones when I moved to Richmond- people that I still care about, people whose friendship I genuinely value.

Live your life. Live it with purpose. Life it with intention.  

I'm grateful for the people in my life. Everyone who has ever taught me something or helped me experience something new.  As I struggle to figure out how to live intentionally and to be intentional with my friendships and relationships, I encourage you to do the same.  When have you been the victim of an (un)intentional relationship? (Remind me to tell you the theme to camp last year..) When have you been the one who has dropped the relationship? Was it life? Was it because you didn't have the time? Was it because this is someone you simply didn't want in your life anymore?

Where do we go from here?

Let's Get Personal...

Thanks, Olivia Newton John...

For years, I've been a mentor for young ladies.  A part of different youth groups, I have worked with a lot of teenage girls and the problems that follow them.  My go-to phrase when we talk (whether it be about drinking, sex, college admissions, weight [gosh girls think a lot about their weight], etc.), I always tell them:

You are worth it

I can say that to them with every confidence that they are, indeed, worth it.  They are beautiful. They are funny. They are loved. They are worth it.

What has occurred to me though, is that I can say it until I'm blue in the face.  I can write it on mirrors and send flowers and letters.  But I can't make them believe that they're worth it.  It's all internal.  These beautiful, talented, worthy ladies are worth love and happiness.  But it's up to them to believe it.  I can't make them believe it- it's a true change of heart.

I am worth it.  I can say it myself until I'm blue in the face.  I know it. I'm worthy of love and happiness.  So how many times do I say it before I begin to believe it? How many times do I say it before I believe that I'm actually worth it;  that I'm worth love and happiness.  That I'm worthy enough to have people that love me enough to want to be an active part of my life. That I'm worthy enough to have people in my life that want to fight for me.

People fight in relationships.  People fight for relationships.  If a relationship means this much to you, aren't you going to fight like hell to save it? No? Well then, those are the experiences that make us feel like we're not worth it.  That we're not worth fighting for, that we're not worth saving this relationship over.  

Jesus tells everyone to

"love our neighbors as yourself." (Luke 10:27)  

That's sentimental, I know.  But the truth is, I want to love my neighbor better than I love myself.  I want to love myself like I love my neighbor.  I want give myself grace like I give grace to others.  I want to forgive myself like I'm able to forgive others.  Why is that so hard?

My prayers go out to those who don't feel worthy.  Fighting for a relationship takes up so much energy, and maybe it's a relationship that isn't worth fighting for.  That's up to you decide. But, I'm with you.  I'm with you in this fight.  I'll tell you just as often that you're worthy as I tell myself this:

You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy of love and happiness.  You are worth fighting for. Thanks be to God that you are worthy. 

One of my favorite preachers, Amy Jacks Dean, speaks so much to this on her sermon called Discovering a Well in the Desert.  I encourage you to listen and reflect.  I'll do the same.

Breakdown number 74382943 as a first year Seminarian...

Sitting in Starbucks.
Confused.
Frustrated.
Unmotivated.

I don't get it.  If this is supposed to be my calling, why is it so damn difficult?

Paul, you are quite the character.  I'm currently reading an N.T. Wright book about him.  It's a book I'm not fully understanding.  And that is really frustrating..

and I'm almost speechless.  I have no idea what to think or how to feel.  Can I really do this?
    

Blessings..

Life is funny. And quick. And a lot of the time- not very peaceful.

Last semester was quick.  Maybe a little too quick.  I built relationships and worked harder than I ever have for school.  Moving away again from my parents, relationships changed.  I found a family.  I found a home.  I found community at school, in my house, at my church, and around RVA.  It's been a true blessing.

I'm grateful- for the experiences that taught me more about myself, others, and God.  The classes that I took last semester and the classes I'm currently enrolled in have taught me more than I ever thought possible.  I've learned about a God of love and life, but also a God of impatience of frustration (and rightly so..those stubborn Israelites).

I'm constantly being re-affirmed about where I am in my life right this moment.  As lame and cliche as it sounds, it's such a God thing .. Whether I'm being affirmed (and I'm someone that needs to be affirmed) by my roommates (thanks, Caitie), my church, or my colleagues and professors, I am learning to be grateful of where I am.  It's easy to do when I'm living in a place I absolutely love.

Thanks be to God.

Awful Habits...

I have some really awful habits.  I'm not saying that I'm not great, because I know I am.  I know have some really wonderful qualities, and I try every day to embrace those.  But, I'm very aware of my flaws and awful habits- one of them is commitment.  It's something I've struggled with for a long time now.  From time commitment and procrastination to the feeling I get three months into a relationship.  It's really scary.  Sometimes I feel it's a habit that won't ever go away.  I feel as if I'll never get finished early with an assignment.  I know that I have four different term papers due the week after Thanksgiving.  I know that I really need to get started and that I'd feel most comfortable with having everything completed by Thanksgiving.  I see that.  Am I actually going to complete them by Thanksgiving? Probably not.  Does that really bother me? Absolutely.  Same with running.  I'm "running" five miles in two weeks.  Five.  Did I register for this months ago? Yes.  Have I been training for it the way I should? No.  Even worse, did I see it coming? Unfortunately.
Luckily, no guy here  has actually wanted to be with me, so I guess we're okay on that end.  They probably smell the commitment-phobia a mile away.  It's a little depressing.

So what do I do? I know it's all mental.  How do I change that? How do I motivate myself to get things finished in a timely manner? I've seen what happens when I procrastinate.   I think about those feelings I had- stressed, tired, wishing I had started this earlier.  So why can't I change these awful habits? 

Retreat

What a beautiful weekend!

When I moved to Richmond, I moved into an Intentional Community through Ginter Park Baptist Church.  It's called the Farley House.  A family (the Farley's) owned it years and years ago.  Farley families are still members of GPBC today.  It's really lovely.
I moved in a month ago today.  I moved in on that Friday.  I had this whole house to myself Friday night and most of the day Saturday (Thanks to Kristen for keeping me company!)
One roommate, Khan, moved in Saturday night.  He's from Burma and is entering his third year at BTSR.
I went to Ginter Park Sunday morning, met several folks from the church and enjoyed much conversation with the Pastor (who, by the way, I knew before moving to RVA.  She used to be in Charlotte).  Drew came home that afternoon with Nala (his sweet pup).  Caitlin was finishing up her Internship and was in and out for a bit before heading back to Spartanburg (yep, Spartanburg) to see family.
This past weekend was the first time we (the whole house) has been together since the beginning of August.  What an awesome weekend it is.  It involved boat rides, naps, reading, more naps, good food (ice cream included), and really good discussion.

I am so happy to be here- with this community and with these people.
Happy one month anniversary to me!

First boat ride to dinner on the first night-

SC calls this a "clemson sunset"

Some of the crew-

yummy yummy ice cream- WHITE CHOCOLATE OREO PEANUT BUTTER (I mean, come on)

To My Dad-

Every year on our birthday, the birthday kid would be woken up to this song.  It's one of my favorite traditions.  Now that we have smartphones, we send each other the video since my brothers and I are no longer living at home.

I have forever been a Daddy's Girl.  I'm the baby and I'm the only girl- It was clear this was going to happen.  I'm so thankful to have this guy as my Dad.  He's the quiet yet completely lovable one.
Thank you Dad:

• for teaching me everything I need to know about Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• for watching National Treasure and The Day After Tomorrow with me time and time again
• for showing me the "real" beers
• for making me blueberry pancakes on Sunday mornings
• for inspiring me to better myself by getting healthy
• for teaching me so much more than what I wanted to know about Chemistry
• for teaching my brothers how to be role models
• for the best chocolate chip cookies ever (and I mean ever)
• for being patient with Mom and me and loving us even when we're stubborn
• for lending me all your Smyth and Helwys commentaries

And for so so so much more.  

For you Dad, I'm so grateful.